Cuddlebaby's Xanga

Depression

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 16:10:45 GMT

It was so nice to go to Omaha with the family! so great to get out and do stuff together. Albert and I so many times are tag-teaming it and rarely get to do stuff *together* w/ kids not @ the house. We dropped off Hannah who will be going to preteen church camp in Oklahoma. We spent the night and a huge part of the Sabbath @ our long time friends house. Went to church. It was so great to see everyone again. It's been a long time. Before Sarah was born (who is now four) we took regular trips to Omaha to be with brethren. The sermon topic was depression. given by a man who just got in doctorate in counseling. not five minutes into it I was bawling. Not just from the topic but from just being @ this church that I love, listening to an awesome service, seeing old friends (some from when I was teen and before), having Albert there, okay some hormones are probably involved. I went downhill from there. realizations all kicking me in the butt at the same time. poor Albert had to witness it all. grief attack. cried much of the way home and to sleep last night. It was good to finally be able to open up to Albert. I just hope that it continues but fear it won't.

James is 14 years old today. I'm doing a good job of hiding it from the kids. it should be a great day. we have some pretty great things planned for later this afternoon.

Going to Omaha again next Sabbath to retrieve said girl. I hope I do better.

Micah Zachary Clark b/d 4-12-08

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:30:14 GMT

"My life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars-points of light and reason... And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly, everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn't see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything."

-Edward in the Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyers

Monday, June 29, 2009

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 15:27:16 GMT

When Hannah had her fourth birthday, I learned I was pregnant with Colton. Up till Micah Zachary was born/died that was my largest age span. Sarah is now four years and 2 months. So if I got pg right now, since Micah is gone, the age difference would be the largest in my family. I'm not planning more babies. but it was still a sad realization. like this no more baby thing might be real.

Took a nice long bath after supper last night where I was quickly joined by Sarah who talked about our very nice afternoon with S and her children at Fort Hartsuff. she went on and on about S's kids. naming them and talking about them being her best friends. S has a child Colton's age, one Sarah's age and one Micah's age. Not till the bath did I even think about this during the whole afternoon together. We would have had three common-aged children if Micah was still with us. Glad I didn't dwell on this during the outing.

Oprah the other day had on a couple who does 'interventions' with obese teens and parents. trying to uncover the underlying cause of their overeating. So they made them answer the following question, "if you really knew me you'd know that...." so I asked James and Hannah that question and they had superficial answers. James's was: "what I really like on my taco". Even though it seems trivial I guess he still has some anger towards me for ordering him the wrong stuff on his taco. It was lettuce. lol. I asked Albert the same question. answer: you already know everything about me. He reversed and I refused to answer. We were having a nice time enjoying a drink on the porch and I didn't want to spoil it. I think we need to have that conversation though. there is SO much to that answer.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 14:34:08 GMT

http://breastcrawl.org/video.htm

asking for donations

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 15:14:24 GMT

for an awesome Christian friend who had a stillborn and Carri is still in ICU. see http://radicalchristiancrunchyknottymama.blogspot.com/ to see where to donate. There is also an auction being set up, if you have something you'd like to donate, details will be forthcoming.

11 years ago at this moment.....

Fri, 29 May 2009 12:55:04 GMT

I was at the end of a 30+ hours of labor and in the middle of marathon pushing to produce a gorgeous 11 pound girl with tons of black hair (at home). She was gorgeous. Wouldn't have mattered how much work I had to do to get her, it would have (and was) worth it. What a joy Hannah has brought into our lives. I can't imagine life without her. Hannah has turned into a compassionate, empathetic girl who still has way too much hair. She is becoming a great example of a well rounded woman. She will make a great mother and wife and I feel SO blessed by her. I love you Hannah. forever.

placentas

Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:48:15 GMT

Finding the unused home made embroidery floss braid cord tie that Hannah made caused me to think about using it. I ran across Colton's shoestring embedded with cord blood and tiny little shriveled piece of umbilical cord still attached. I have one for each of my four living children. I don't see why I can't have one for Micah. After all his placenta is in my freezer. I should put in the ground now and allow it to start decomposing a bit before planting a baby tree there as the huge amount of hormones in placentas can cause a new tree to die. Pathology did a work up on the placenta (ugh) and I haven't opened up the 'biohazard waste' red bag yet but I imagine it still as a cord on it. What's wrong with getting the scissors out and chopping off an inch of the cord? tying it with the floss and allowing to dry? I might cry. I will cry. Usually when the "cord falls off" is when they are first getting their personality, they are wriggly and probably on the changing table getting rubbed or tickled by mommy after a diaper change. Their last connection to the inside of mommy's body is gone. It's their first of many milestones. and Micah can have ONE milestone.....I should make that one happen.

peace?

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 14:23:42 GMT

starting to feel much better. We bought a couple more things for the memory garden including lights and a blue painted rock with "No farewell words were spoken, no time to say good-bye, you gone before we knew it, and only God knows why" on it. no angels or mention of heaven. perfect. Also put a weeping willow aside to pick up on Tuesday but starting to reconsider this as I lay in bed last night. $60 and 5 feet tall. I know it's a smart idea but...when weeping willows are so easy to start, and thought whose would I borrow as the one in Doniphan where Albert and I grew up is GONE, decided that I may ask the little old lady here in town if I can snatch a few of her willows. She lives alone and is not there mentally. I've spoken to her on four occasions and on all four all she could talk about was her 3 yo son drowning in the horsetank 60 years ago. wow. and to think that this is such a traumatic event in her life that it's one of her few memories is HUGE. lifemoving. And since we have 'death of a child' in common and probably nothing else, maybe I should borrow some of her gorgeous 30 feet high willow. I really have no other connection, but as I lay in bed, maybe that's enough? I can use the Earl May gift card on something else. maybe a bench to put under (eventually) the willow.

As we were looking for Hannah's expensive soft ball mitt (no luck) we ran across Micah's ashes and memory box. It was so good to see a pic of him again and to look @ the 20 week ultrasound and to see the embroidery floss Hannah had braided for his cord. I put his ashes on the dining room table. no one minded.

I fell asleep with a sense of peace last night and a smile as we went outside in the dark to see how the memory garden looked under garden lights.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 23:07:03 GMT

today is one year since Micah's funeral. As I stare at the memorial garden I pray that I never have to plan a kid funeral EVER again and cherish the first four blessings from God that give me so much joy. http://www.flickr.com/photos/cuddlebaby/ for pics.

I had a 6 week miscarriage in August. That baby would have been born this week, on Micah's first birthday. I went to the kids spring program and just stared at the teacher's new one week old and thought that's the size our baby would be. I wasn't sad. just contemplative.

I think I'd like to start a grief support group. Just so happens a few from our grief class also want to. So I hope it sticks.

Dearest sweet Micah

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 15:29:14 GMT

We miss you so much it aches. You would have enjoyed getting to see and feel the siblings you heard so much. We are a kid and pet friendly family into which you would have perfectly fit. Hannah would have been a perfect 'little mother' to you. She loves babies. Sarah would have been so happy to have a playmate. She doesn't appear to be lonely but I feel it for her. She such a people person but spends most of her day trying to entertain herself. Colton certainly would have enjoying having a brother closer to his age than 13 yo nerdy James is who'd rather take apart a computer than throw a football around with him. I think you would have had curly hair like James. maybe even his color too as yours was strawberry just like James's was when he was first born. James would have enjoyed holding you and rocking you to sleep. Even though he is a big teenager, he'd melt into a proud puddle when he holds his baby brother.

My life is a lot different than it would have been if you would have lived. I would have been SO busy. As it is now, I don't do much before noon. I would have been busy washing diapers and tiny little baby clothes and sewing slings.

The best memory I have of my pregnancy with you was when I went to Lincoln alone to see Business of Being Born. Lea and her daughter joined us. We saw lots of midwife friends we haven't seen in a long time. It was the first time I have ever been alone in a vehicle that long alone, EVER. But I wasn't alone, you were in my uterus and I cherished our alone time. After spending the night with Lea's family we drove to my next girl friend, Liz's house. You would have enjoy her too and her five gorgeous children. Liz's husband just happened to be home that day so JUST TWO mommies went to the Mall to get new baby clothes. Best decision ever was bringing Liz. She KNOWS her sales and stores! and I don't as I rarely get to a mall, especially a big city mall. She knew that baby Gap had 50% of baby clothes and Children's Place had 'buy two outfits get one free'. perfect. They didn't have many gender neutral things but I managed to leave with 6 gorgeous union sleepers, all natural fibers. My first NEW, and bought by ME outfits for a baby EVER. Even though I gave away all my baby things, I still have those. And you never got to wear them. and no one else will. I will either make a quilt that contains those outfits or maybe just put in a memory box.

My breasts ached for you. They still do as you would only be a third of the way through your nursing 'career' but now it's not physical. I'm pretty resentful of my period as I shouldn't even be having one for another half a year or so. You will never be replaced.

we can hardly wait for the World Tomorrow when we can all hold you and touch you and cherish you and rear you up, only in a perfect world.

I will love you forever.